And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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