I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
