he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
