I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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