Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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