i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I have a story that starts with Nutella and ends with sex in the laundry building at RIT.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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