I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
Randomize
