if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
