What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
My vagina is officially offended.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Randomize
