Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
