if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Randomize
