They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
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