I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Randomize
