im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
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