I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Randomize
