My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
