Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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