I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize
