Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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