I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
You ate ashes out of my bong
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