how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
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