I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Randomize
