this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize
