She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Randomize
