fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize