this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
