he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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