I accidentally burped into my bong.
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
