happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
