final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Randomize
