i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
Randomize
