i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
oh god was she eating orange peels again
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
why does every cop we meet know your name?
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
