At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
