1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
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