Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
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