theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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