If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
