he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
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