So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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