I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
i think im in europe. pls send help
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Randomize
