My new storm is the chrons
The only reason I needed a new one is bc I threw up on my other one(248): And since Verizon doesn't have a throw up test, I was eligible for a new one
I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
