respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Randomize
