I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Randomize
