There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize
