You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Randomize
