I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
you win again, gameday.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
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