i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
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