i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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