Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Randomize
