I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
